Failure: We do it right.

Normally on this blog, we document the various adventures us Freaks have in Livingston County and various other places we travel to. But today, we are not going to talk about one of our adventures. Instead, we are going to talk about our lack of an adventure because we all fail epically at everything in the history of ever.

It all started out at Kari and Shelby's house where we had just finished up a delicious meal of vegetarian Stromboli. We were just sitting at the table, nibbling at the remaining salad, when somehow the topic of brownies and how we all wanted them came up. At the same time, Kari was texting part-time Freak Emily, who was sitting at her house bored out of her mind. So we came up with an idea: after a quick trip to the store to get whatever ingredients we didn't already have, we would take everything to Emily's and make the brownies over there. It seemed like a perfect plan. We should have known better.

Kari and I ran to the store to get the vegan butter, egg substitute, and soy milk while Shelby stayed behind to give Tweek a bath because he was very itchy. We were gone less than 20 minutes and nothing remarkable happened for either party. We got back, gathered up all the stuff for brownies, and got ready to go. This is when the failure started.

When we got to Darren, Kari realized two things 1). Her keys were not in the ignition like she thought they were and 2). her phone was still somewhere inside. She turned around to look in the house for these things, but Shelby had just locked and closed the door, thinking Kari already had the keys. Thus began our attempt to break into our own damn house. (Ok, it's not actually MY house, but I'm over there so often it might as well be)

First, Shelby tried to pick the lock with a bobby pin, a pointed stick, my pocket knife, and anything else that looked like it might fit into the keyhole. They we all threw our weight against the door, hoping maybe the lock sucked enough to actually give way to our collective 300-ish pound force, but since they just had the locks replaced last month, the door remained closed. After cutting a hole in the screen of the window on the porch but then realizing the window was also locked, we looked around the rest of the house to see if any of the windows might be open. They weren't, but that didn't stop us from trying to get into Kari's room in what I like to call a heaping pile of failure.

Kari and I dragged their really old porch-couch-thing over to the window. While we stood on the seat to prevent it from flipping over, Shelby climbed onto the back part and looked to see if maybe, just maybe, we could open the window and get inside. We couldn't. In a last ditch effort, Kari called her mom (who was in Pentwater visiting their Aunt Noel AKA Shake's mom), who then called a lock smith to come to our assistance.

While we sat in the back of Darren waiting for the lock smith, we started to discuss who's fault this was. We all came to the same conclusion: It was all our damn fault. It was Kari's fault for not making sure she already had the keys. It was Shelby's fault for locking the door before she was sure Kari had the keys. It was my fault for not making sure Kari and Shelby made these mistakes in the first place. After about 5 minutes, the lock smith and his wife showed up and he started work on the door. He didn't have any of his picks, so he had to use this little plastic thingy that didn't work.

As Kari took him to the side door to see if he could get that one open, his wife took the same little plastic thingy and tried it herself. In less than a minute, she had the door open and Tweek attacking her pants. Shelby and I went inside to find the keys (they were on the table under a notebook) as Kari paid the lock smith $40 for having his wife break into her house. Awesome. By the time the lock smith left, it was too late to go to Emily's, but we still wanted those goddamn brownies!

While blasting AFI and Blaqk Audio to drown our sorrows, we started work on the brownies and almost immediatly started failing. We should have known things would not turn out that great when I spilled a ton of sugar all over the floor, or when we couldn't get the clumps out of the egg substitute, or when Kari got flour and cocoa all over her shirt, or when the butter started to solidify while we were mixing it with the other ingredients. But no, we where too distracted by the lack of an "OH!" in Killing Lights because there should TOTALLY BE ONE RIGHT THERE!! Which is probably how we ended up with doughy, overly buttery brownies. There are not enough sad faces in the world :( :( :(

Moral of the story: If you're going to fail, you might as well try to fail as much as you can. Now watch this video to cheer you up.



It videos like this that restore my faith in humanity. Really, I'm not kidding.

~Peanut