Dinner in the Words of Ansley

Holy balls. It's been a while. But today, Freaks, we're debuting the Freaky Protege, Ansley. She dictated, and I (Kari) typed.

'So, we got to Mr. B's Tavern and walked in the "East Side". We walked all the way to the front and there was no hostess there. After five minutes, someone finally got there, asked how many of us there were, and we were all like, "five." She took us to a table and then she just walked away. Another five minutes later, she came back to ask us what we wanted to drink. We all told her what we wanted, then she took forever to get our drinks. I thought she might have been new, because she took so long; maybe she didn't know where to get them or something. She finally came back with our drinks and she left again for ten or fifteen minutes. When she came back to take our order, shit started getting real.

Kari ordered a large pizza with no cheese, pineapple, black olives, and green pepper. The waitress wrote it down and put her book away. Abby got halfway through her sentence, "I will have...", the waitress pulled her book back out, rolled her eyes, and sighed hugely. Abby finished her order of a half mandarin chicken salad, and the waitress smiled fakely and put her book away again, cutting off Emily's order. Again, the waitress rolled her eyes, sighed, and got the book back out. Emily ordered the kid's chicken tenders, and the waitress asked Emily which side she wanted. She asked for fries, and Kari suggested the seasoned fries, so Emily agreed. The waitress, who we just realized is named Dorian, walked away.

After, Kari, Shelby, and I took a trip to the little girls room. Little did we know, a girl followed us in there (she was drunk), and she took the stall next to me, but I thought it was Kari, so I started talking about monster farts. Kari was like, "You know I'm not the only one in here, right?" Oops.

When we got back to our table, we noticed that our food still wasn't there, but Emily's water was all over the floor. Apparently she was talking about something and swung her arm too wide. The water spilled all over the entrance of the restaurant. We were all too busy laughing to notice that a creepy old guy walked right through the giant puddle in his leather boots. A nice waiter named Bobby came by to clean up Emily's water, who apologized like, fifteen times.

About fifteen minutes after Emily spilled her water, our food came. Shelby, Kari, and I were really excited that our food was finally there (but we weren't very excited about Dorian's mustache). A little while later, she came back with Abby's food, but not Emily's.

We started eating, thinking that Emily's food would be out soon. A while later, Shelby finally said something about it, and the waitress said it would be out in two minutes. Two minutes later: Still nothing. Still later, Emily's food finally came out. Everyone could finally start eating together.

I thought our pizza smelled like chemicals and hand soap, and Kari didn't like that the sauce was spicy. I pushed my plate away, not even finishing my second piece. Shelby only had one, because she started feeling sick. I agreed, but nobody else felt the same way, even though everyone had some pizza. Emily and I switched food, because her fries were too hot (and not seasoned). Kari ate a fry too, but hers was still frozen.

We finished eating, and were hanging out, when the trivia guy started a new question. "I feel really uncomfortable asking this, but when is LGBT month celebrated in America? That's really weird." We all got super pissed about this, so we paid our bill and went over to yell at the trivia guy. He was all "derpdy derp" about it. Shelby asked why he was uncomfortable about asking the question. He skirted the issue, Shelby called him shallow, and and we mobbed away. I called him a doucher, and Shelby called him a dick.

We went back to the table to wait for Kari's change. We didn't even get it back until she asked Dorian about it. She threw a big fit about it, but she finally gave it back. Out of a forty-seven dollar bill, the waitress only got a three dollar tip.

We disappeared out the "East Side", never to return again.'